Last night, towards bedtime….
Tye walked into our room crying.
Not the “I’m hurt” or the “I’m about to tattle” cry, but a “HEART” cry.
A HEART CRY.
As a parent, you know ‘that’ cry.
That is when you drop anything you are doing because something important is about to happen.
I put my laptop down (rather, threw it too the side). Jim and I motioned for Tye to come to us.
PLEASE come to us SON.
He sat on on the edge of our bed.
HEART CRYING.
“Tye, what is wrong?”
[Tye has language difficulties but I am going to type out what he said in ‘typical’ speech versus ‘his way of talking’. His words were to powerful to be typed in any other way.]
“I miss my China Mommy.” he cried.
Now, Jim and I glanced at each other. Neither of us knew where this was coming from.
Trey and I had just got done goofing off and locking everyone out of the house (smile) and that made Tye really mad. I immediately wondered if I’d ‘triggered’ something.
Had I brought up ‘abandoned’ feelings in him? Did something remind him of the beginnings of his life that we know very little about? I don’t know. Had I really messed up?
I do know that our angel was, suddenly, overwhelmed with many emotions.
I responded, “I miss her to Tye. She loves you.”
“I miss her. She misses me.”
SHE MISSES ME.
Of course, at this point, I am silently praying for God’s wisdom to drown me because, honestly, I have as many unanswered questions about Tye’s adoption as he does.
How can I answer questions that I don’t have answers too?
I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS.
Tye’s heart crying continues.
I wipe tears off his beautiful cheeks.
I try a different approach.
“Tye, what do you think she is doing right now?”
(I wanted her to feel ‘real’ to him. Not vague. Not unknown. We do not have a picture of her. He was abandoned on hospital steps at approx. 5 days old. I can only imagine, no..actually I cannot imagine…her heartbreak.)
“Maybe she is night-night?” Tye said.
“China is awake right now Tye, remember? Maybe she is eating some delicious rice!” I said.
Tye loves rice. I was trying to find a ‘commonality’ between them that he could relate too and that would be reasonable.
Tye responds, “She has a house? Maybe she is asleep and will wake up and have breakfast.”
“I bet you are right Tye!”
Chase (also adopted) walks into our room.
I immediately, without Tye noticing, catch his eyes and look deeply at him and slightly nod towards crying Tye.
“Hey Tye. Chase thinks about his birthmom too. Don’t you Chase?” I say.
CHASE THINKS ABOUT HIS BIRTHMOM TOO.
“Yeah I do Tye.” Chase says.
I make Tye look directly at Chase and then ask, “Do you love your birthmomma Chase?”
{Chase is supremely comfortable, for now, in regards to his adoption. He openly talks about it. Thinks it is cool. Cuz it is :}
“Yep. I do.” Chase says as Tye stares at him.
Tye doesn’t seem to respond.
He knows Chase and Aven are adopted too. I was hoping there would be some sort of “Well, if Chase is okay then I can feel better right now” groove happen. But it did not.
IT DID NOT.
Chase quietly left the room.
I look at Tye.
What?
His eyes are shut tight. His tears are wet on his face.
My hearts folds into itself.
[Give me his questions Lord. I will take them for him. I will hold them. I will hold the hurt Lord. This child has been through enough. Please Lord, Please give me his heart’s hurt.]
“Tye, what are you doing babe?” I ask as I stare at his closed face.
“Thinking about my China mommy’s house. You think she has pets?”
“I bet she does. What do you think she might have? A cat?”
Tye says, “ a bird. ” of course 🙂
A BIRD.
A CONNECTION. IMAGINED. NOT REAL. BUT A CONNECTION in his BRAIN to his CHINA MOMMY’S ‘WORLD.
“MY China Daddy misses me.”
CHINA DADDY.
Tye has never once (that I can remember) mentioned his China Daddy.
(Wasn’t I JUST sitting on my bed surfing Facebook, having downtown time, and now I am in a bit of a battle with evil to keep from residing inside my son’s heart?
Questions about his adoption can hinder him for life. We must address them of course. But…how did my world shift so fast? I’m suddenly, I decide, have been having one of the most important conversations I’ve ever had with Tye…
Other than the one where Aven helped him deal with some of his adoption confusion by saying “Tye we all have pink tongues! It’s okay!” )
“He loves you too Tye. But Tye, you had a really bad ‘owie’ [I touch the scar on his lip and nose]. They could not fix that and wanted you to be very happy.
So, since your China Mommy and Daddy could not do that and they wanted you to be all better, God picked Jim and Andrea to have you forever and forever and forever. Do understand that Tye?”
“Yesh. I don’t like the doctor. The medicine is bad. I hate it there.” he says.
I HATE IT THERE.
I think…Does he associate the surgeries with Jim and I?
Are we to ‘blame’ for his pain in his thought process?
Tye has no idea how his unrepaired clefts and cognitive delays would have impacted his daily life in China.
He just knows he is here because of his ‘owies’. Or that that is at least one of the reasons he is with “Jim and Andrea”.
“I hate the hospital too Tye. I know you do not like the medicine sweetheart. But you had to do that so your nose would work and so you can learn to talk better. that way you can yell better at your brothers!” I say.
“You think my China Mommy misses me?” he asks again.
HE ASKS AGAIN.
“Yes. I know she does Tye. She loves you. Just like Mommy and Daddy do.” I say.
“My heart misses her.” he says. “Mom, we get on the computer and see her?”
(PLEASE Lord…I’m not doing good here…these answers do not seem right..PLEASE take over.)
PLEASE TAKE OVER LORD.
“If I could I would. I do not know her phone number. She is not on the computer. I do not know her address. If I did I would Tye. I am sorry.” I say…it must seem so simple to HIM.
….to find an anonymous chinese female that was, more than likely, pressured by her family, to illegally abandon her baby on the steps of a rural hospital. In a town where addresses and phone numbers are not typical. In a town of randomness, poverty, and confusion.
In a town where no one inquired about him for two years in his orphanage nor responded to the “Baby Found Ad/Picture” that the Chinese government requires orphanages to publish in local newspapers before a child is released for international adoption.
But, to Tye…it is simple. sigh.
“Mommy, maybe tomorrow we get a bird?” Tye says.
I laugh. Stinker.
“No Tye. I don’t think we will be getting a bird tomorrow but sometime we will.”
Did he want another bird because he thinks he China Mommy has one?
Should I have said yes? But he asks for a new bird everyday…surely that was a random question? right? Was I wrong? Should I have said, “YES! OF course!”
Extreme confusion.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
What if we got a bird and it died? (anyone who’s read this blog knows that highly possible). Would THAT hurt him worse than NOT having a bird?
Tye is crying again. Not because of my “NO” but just “because” again.
I gather him onto my lap.
Mercy my baby is big.
He is big, precious, stubborn, confused, angry, sad, and God’s creation right there on my lap.
“Tye look me in the eyes. No Tye LOOK at me. You are loved. You have more love than alot of people. You have a China Daddy, China Mommy, AND Mommy and Daddy who love you so much. GOD made you Tye. God loves you even more than I can explain to you. “
I touch his heart. literally..with my hand.
“Does your heart feel better Tye?” I ask
He doesn’t say anything.
Then he says, “I think about China Mommy in bed. She thinks about me at night. You think about me at night?”
SHE THINKS ABOUT ME AT NIGHT.
“YES TYE! YES! You have TWO MOMMIES thinking about you at night. TWO!” I say..finally seeing a bit of peace coming through his eyes.
I start touching his beautiful eyes, his scar, his cheeks, his forehead…
“Your China Mommy and Me think about how wonderful you are and how much we love you. “
HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU.
“Tye, Mommy and Daddy will love you forever and forever and forever.
Do you understand? [PLEASE UNDERSTAND SWEETHEART!].
You are never going away from us. God let us have you now forever. ” I say.
Then I ask him something I have never asked any of my adopted kids because it never felt ‘right’.
“Tye, are you happy here with Mommy and Daddy?”
“Yesh.”
PHEW. THANK YOU JESUS.
We closed up the (long) conversation with me cuddling him tightly, telling him he is loved.
NOW FOR THE WHOPPER.
ARE YOU READY?
I woke up this morning to a text from a friend:
“Andrea, do you want two cockatiels? My friend is needing to rehome them.”
“WHAT? WHAT? YES! YES! Tye asked for a bird yesterday and that is what Aven wants for Christmas!”
SO, the answer to getting Tye a bird TODAY was YES apparently! Thank you God for fixing my wrong answer!
God is SO AMAZING.
Tye is getting a bird today…sorta from his China Mommy…and from God.
A gift, of sorts, from China…in the form of a little creature every bit as amazing as the little boy that was gifted to us over 6 years ago in a barren Chinese government room.
I haven’t told Tye yet about the bird. I am to busy wiping tears from my face.
Andrea
…amazed.
Wiping tears here as well. God bless you as you navigate these rocky paths.
Linda
. . . and folks wonder if God is involved ~ intricately involved in our lives . . .
Andrea ~
You are the most beautiful soul on earth. Don’t you be snickering right now, because you are.
Your patience.
Your love.
Your stretching for every bit of everything to make Tye feel better.
You are a beautiful, beautiful soul.
I too was wiping the tears away reading all of this. I felt so much for Tye, trying to understand what we have a hard time understanding. And all of you, for trying the best you can to explain something that doesn’t even make perfect sense to us.
The tears were unstoppable as I read your words about the signs put in the paper. Oh my goodness, what these children go through….at such a young, young age.
All of you are so lucky to have each other. I cannot believe the text you got this morning….the smile that will appear from that gift will be one to remember for a lifetime.
I can’t wait to see your next post :o)
Wow! What an intense, precious, and loved filled conversation with one of your blessings. There are times we all have a conversation with our children that rip our hearts because of the pain in their hearts. It is never easy and I find myself, just as you did, praying to our Heavenly Father in our very souls as our lips are moving, praying for our lips to give His answers, to give His wisdom. The encouragement I take away, no matter how tough, how heart wrenching the conversation is, is always the same: THEY CAME TO ME. They could have stuffed it down, pretended it didn’t matter, or that they aren’t effected by it but, instead, they CHOSE to come to me and their dad. They KNOW how much they are loved and they have comfort, confidence, and assurance of that love. Tye has that in you and Jim. He has a precious gift as do you. What a blessing for him to know that. I often wonder if I’m saying the right things to my girls, if I show in actions and in words how precious they are to me….then I have a moment with them when they’re pouring their hearts out to me….and I feel God’s calm assurance that they can do that with me because I am doing it right. Well….right most of the time. Give him a big hug from me and know this will bless many. In Christ, Amanda
Ok, thanks for the tears this afternoon. You handled it perfectly. I wonder how much my son thinks things like that… we don’t talk about it much because I don’t bring it up, waiting for him to. I’m always worried if I bring it up, it will cause him to think about something he’s not. I’m probably wrong – he’s probably lying in bed at night wondering if she thinks about him too. My heart hurts when I think about his heart hurting. I need to have a conversation with him now but he’s gone for the night so it will have to wait.
Thanks for sharing your life and love with us.
Robbin
Oooh that picture at the end! I’m speechless.. but so happy Tye is getting a bird. Have you noticed this sensitive side to him before? He is being very thoughtful about this.
I’d really like to hug him!!
Andrea,
The tears were rolling down my cheeks while I was reading this post. Your answers seemed right on, and I know God was helping you and Tye as this situation was unfolding.
As you and Jim keep asking God for guidence in raising your children, it is going to turn out alright.
Love you guys,
Darlene
We so appreciate your words of support and love you guys.
Raising kids, and I have to say especially a special need adopted kiddo, sometimes feels like navigating a dark cave.
Sometimes you can see a bit of light at the end, othertimes you are overwhelmed by it and know u r on the right path, other times you feel like it’s so dark you can’t see your hand from of your face.
I am so very thankful God used Jim and I, this night, to help Tye feel more “better”….
and then..the bird?!!
Well..I’ll post more today but…we have his bird now and he’s nicknamed it the nickname he had in China..
“Noon-Noon”.
more tears 🙂
Andrea
PS Darlene…I cannot say how much I appreciate you reading and commenting on my blog. It means THE WORLD to me. I don’t know if you know it all or not but know your are up to date with my kids’ life is like having my Dad up to date in a really weird sorta way :)))
Thanks for sharing this post Andrea…you and Jim handled this situation with Tye so well…you’re right that adoption can be a journey into the unknown and God gave you the right words to say to comfort Tye. I appreciate you sharing so openly as it helps me think how I may handle similar questions from my kids as they come.
And the way the birds came the next day…incredible!! God is amazing!!
Hang in there you are a great Mum!
Anna
… and I am too wiping tears… humbled by your love, your faith, your heart, your honesty! Praying that sweet bird- a gift from God and TWO Mommies- gives him some comfort and smiles today!! XO
Dearest Andrea,
I’m so glad you think of it like your dad checking in on your family when I follow your blog or comment.
Your dad will never be forgotten by us as Charles and I often reflect on those memorable years we spent with him, your mom, and you girls.
We think of all of you as our extended family, and we care about what’s going on in your world.
We will always love all of you, and you will always be in our thoughts and prayers.
Love you guys,
Charles & Darlene
I FINALLY got to read this post! For some reason, it ended when Tye asked about his China Daddy and I couldn’t find the rest… talk about a cliff-hanger!
Thanks, once again, for your beautiful words and sharing your journey with us… I just LOVE seeing how the Lord is working in your amazing family… truly beautiful.