I have had a lot on my mind this month.
Everything from happy to terribly sad things. As all of you do to I would imagine…I cannot be alone in that rollercoaster of thinking.
Right now I am really contemplating how complicated things can be sometimes. EVERYTHING can be complicated from dinner to TV selections, from FB drama to North Korea (big leap..I know).
One thing I over-complicate is relationships.
It is because they are important and powerful to me and I have seen my fair share flounder.
Also, when you cannot ‘always’ be counted on to show up for the ‘thing’ because you might be “ptsd’ing” or dealing with high-level anxiety…it does make one’s friends be a bit on guard I think. I understand this.
I hope this “unsure” season of my life is wrapping up. I hope I can restore the confidence in my relationships without doubting them every other moment.
I think this over-complication may be a female-dynamic for women wired like me (A++ to a negative degree!). But the stupid health stuff magnifies several things in regards to my relationships.
One. It is magnified that they are exceptionally important to me and I desperately need that type of female-friend support. I also know I need to give it back in return.
Second. It is magnified to me that a good friendship can disappear within seconds..due to anything from frustration to misunderstanding to growing apart.
Which leaves me a bit bug-eyed over the ones I hold so close. I fear it makes me come across as “needy” or “over-whelming” but I wish all my girlfriends could see what’s written on my heart.
It’s pure and simple need. And the need to know they will continue even if thing’s get jacked up for awhile.
I am going to work on this balance…I have been working on it.
One thing that is so “easy” about having younger kids and a long-term marriage….we are each others biggest fans
The people under my roof restore the hope in myself when I think I’m not so worthy of great friendships.
I figure if 2, ten year old boys think I am sorta fun, a 13 yr boy can live without actually lashing out at me, a 16 yr is allowing me to help him navigate his first “relationship”, and my 6 yr old daughter still wants to be my shadow.
And..if my husband still thinks I am sorta amusing with my silly antics here an there…well…surely I am worthy of some ‘outside’ friendships that feel as if they are ..“dipped in cement and sprinkled with sequins”..right?!!. Ugh with the doubt.
This month, as I have been feeling better, I have been able to put forth more effort towards my friendships.
These pictures show ‘some’ of that outreach..me and my special peeps being’ goofy, fun, and Mommas. But, a lot of it also happens via texts (Jeanna, Lisa, Em…), or has happened over quick catch-up at my kitchen table (luv you Laura)…and this week a very neat thing happened..
A neighbor called and said, “Come over. I’m hanging out in my room watching a movie. Come chill.” I went 5 houses down, in practically pajamas, and had a beautiful time just being real … no makeup, no high heels, no activity…just conversation. It felt so reviving ….
Now, I love a good girl’s night with the fashion, the shoes, the lastest “instagram” make-up idea…I always will! But it’s also refreshing to just be in a comfort zone without those elements sometimes.
I have only had that type of close relationship with a few people … a few pop up in these pictures and a few I didn’t get time with this month….but to have a friendship like that is really what I’m earning for and striving for.
To elevate my friendships from the outer and middle of each other to the deep-seeded inside feelings, wonderings, ideas, and dreams that can be shared without heels, without makeup, and in sweats and pony tails
I am looking forward to April.
It is my birthday month…last year I wrote myself a “TO DO” letter for my 38th year. We will see how I fared…eh?!
I LOVE and completely ADORE that you are here on my blog. As much as I am striving to deepen my in-real-life relationships, I also consider “cyber” relationships to be exceptionally special.
You guys have impacted my life with your encouraging words and advice more times than I will ever be able to recall…yet my heart has kept tally.
I know friendships are a beautiful thing…I really want to be exceptionally good at it.
Any advice you have in regards to how you keep your girl-friendships strong and deep … please share!!! We are all in this together…
NOW…who’s ready for April?! mercy