As I mentioned in my last post….my writing posts jump from uplifting to questioning on the spin of a dime.
Here’s another spin of the dime.
I am TIRED of this.
Tired of feeling lethargic, guilty, slightly useless, pained, angry, and without spiritual answers.
My relationship with God has had peaks and valleys lately.
The peaks seem to last longer as I am seeing such little results from my utterances of prayers.
Utterances in that – no- I am not on my knees, not on the floor spread eagle crying out for answers, But small, pleading prayers for help.
Along with these whispered prayers are thanksgivings of course. This could be SO MUCH WORSE. It could be terminal.
This mental health battle that has me tanked lately (it has taken a few steps backwards lately it feels like…or maybe more than a few honestly) could be saddled upon one of my kids.
THAT would be terrifically horrifying as in at least I can read “my brain”. I could not read someone else’s to help when needed. The idea of my kids suffering brings my utterances to God that starts with thanksgivings.
(I’m not being the “perfect mom” saying this…if you are a parent you know my words ring true.)
My prayer life, my spirituality, my sense of peace seems to, lately, hit up against a rough, red, thick, and annoying brick wall.
I do not feel like I am “getting through” to my God.
I have become so “whatever” about this that I have stopped listening to my beloved “MercyMe” music.
(God-oriented music that used to be the songs that hit me between the eyes with encouragement.)
Do I know God is here? Yes.
Do I “feel” Him as much as I did? No.
Is this my fault? Yes.
He hasn’t gone anywhere. I have.
Why? Because the feeling of ‘not being heard’ is frustrating and exhausting and seems a bit pointless right now.
Am I causing myself set backs by having this attitude? Surely. Can I fix it? I haven’t been able to lately.
I am doing my job as a “Bible Teacher” in school.
We are studying the book of “Job” right now. Fairly pertinent huh?!
(I didn’t pick this study..it was preset in our curriculum. Again, God is there…it is me that is silent? I just don’t know.)
But…I can relate to the Book of Job.
I can related to Job’s deep grief to a certain extend. I can related to his ‘friends’ calling him out as being a sinner who ‘deserved’ such pain.
I can related to his “friends” questioning him and telling him to ‘shut up’ as questioning God is inappropriate.
I can also relate to the fact that Job never turned against God but, at the same time, questioned his circumstances and pleaded for answers as to the “why’s” of his situation.
Questioning the “why’s” is NOT inappropriate..not matter what Job’s “friends” said to him.
So…the rubber hits the road…just as in the book of Job.
Will I ‘give up’ on God. Will I turn my back b/c of the frustration in regards to a lack of release from this battle? Because of the relationships it seems to be ending?
Will I turn my back on God, for as much as I have asked, He has yet to give me a physical avenue to use my journey to help others…
IE having energy to set up a useful support group, having the energy to talk to others, IRL, about this mental health road while debunking the stigma of it?
I want to be useful. I want to be successful. I want to be “out there”! danggit.
I see A LOT of people who do not have their lives set to a moral code who are useful and successful.
But, here I linger, giving thanks yet pleading for more steps forward in this battle yet receiving very little “back” from my questions.
Do I ‘see’ God in my journey? VERY much Yes. He has led me to therapies I have never heard about yet which have helped tremendously.
But I am speaking in different and deeper terms.
My heart hurts from the unanswered prayers. I feel isolated and alone without answers.
Many of you are thinking, “No response to your questions is -actually- an answer. It means stay still and wait.”
Really though? I am sick of “waiting”.
I am sick of wanting to be consistently useful to others, with my art, and within my community.
I am absolutely clueless as to why I am not receiving direction, strong gut feelings that can only be attributed to God.
I WANT THOSE GUT FEELINGS BACK. The ones that used to come so easily and guide me.
For instance, I desperately want another child. (I know you all just rolled your eyes). But I do and I have had this strong desire for several years and those around me know of it.
But…that door only seems to exist in my head. I know the difference between ‘a wish’ and a “do”. Is the baby just a wish?
I have pleaded (in private, in my own way) for a solid answer to this question.
NOTHING. Not even a “no”.
Not even the longing for another child to simply vanish. I deal with it daily.
Will I turn my back on God? No.
Does it sound appealing? Not really.
Like Job simply intensely questioning but never blaspheming or accusing God…. Job knew God was “there” … at least somewhere…
I know God is “here” but I do not feel saturated by Him like I have at other times. I am not closed to His saturation…
I simply feel locked up and away from answers that I am desperately in need of.
One analogy has helped me… I forget where I read it recently but it goes like this…
A farmer manages his field in certain ways.
One season he will sow, plant, grow, and “reap” abundantly.
(IE a person will learn and grow and reap in their spiritual life during this ‘season’ in their lives.)
Another season, the harvest may be less and he may struggle.
(IE a Christ-follower may sit and ponder that past season and implement some of the new revelations into his life. But the feelings of the past season seem to be waning)
Finally, the last season before he starts to sow, plant, grow, and reap again….he must allow his farmland to “Fallow”. This means to simply let his land rejuvenate itself. Let it relax. Let it restore itself.
The land (a Christ-follower) may seem useless if one gives it (him/her) a passing look but the farmer (God) knows what he is doing. He is prepping his land for a great harvest.
I feel that I am definitely in the “fallow” season.
I hope, pray, cling to the idea that a great harvest … a lot of “good” … a lot of beautiful .. a lot of “GOD”….is coming from these last difficult seasons in my (our) life…..
Please cling to this idea with me ….
PS I am reading and studying the devotional book “Unglued” by Lysa Terkeurst of the “Proverbs 31 Ministries”. It has helped…it explains “imperfect progress” in an interesting way and tries to wipe away the guilt one feels when there is a mistake, a change that you are slowly working on, a goal that is slow to achieve, etc.
She deals SO well with making one see that God does not demand perfection…
It has helped me remove ‘some’ of the guilt I feel about all of the feelings above. But….if they weren’t still there I wouldn’t be writing about them.