Post-Mother’s Day Letdown..Back to being "Just A Mom"….

  I’m getting to the POST-MOTHER’S DAY LETDOWN thoughts….I swear   Just bear with me as I get some pictures onto my blog so that, when my kids are 30 and 40 and all sitting around the table every holiday scrolling through my blog (huge eyeroll )  They will remember a bit of these moments captured forever….  (We just spent some time in St. Petersburg, FL. It was a great week…)  Required Mother’s Day pictures…”Children…stand around me and smile NOW!” )))  Our profession (and highly annoying) family photobomber  OH SWEET MERCY they are SO amazingly gorgeous when they are asleep….I mean they are sweet and all when they are awake and loud but…something about a sleeping angel makes this heart stop!  Some family rollerskating time…I did not die  Yeh, I’m a great chaperone. Um..Your kid is falling Andrea..stop hammin’ it up for the camera! *************************************The flowers are already starting to wilt.The… Read More »

"It’s Just All in Your Head"…Sadly, True. But I just want some Macaroni-n-Cheese

Right now, I’m experiencing what might be called a ‘flair’ or a mild panic attack or it might be some depression poking through … all under the umbrella of “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”. I’m in my bedroom. The house is silent save for the rumblings of a new puppy and the run of a lawnmower outside (and I am jealous of the person behind that lawnmower as they, apparently, are not ‘stuck’ right now…) I’m very hungry. Everyone else went to get a bite to eat but I just didn’t feel up to going. I’m not physically sick. No fever. No nausea. No actual pain. I just couldn’t get my head around getting into a car and eating in a room full of other (noisy) people. So here I am. I want to heat up some frozen mac-n-cheese. I can picture the little box of mac-n-cheese out in the garage… Read More »

March Madness..Andrea Style (read: a pictorial review of March :) I have been a lot healthier this month!!!

I have had a lot on my mind this month.  Everything from happy to terribly sad things. As all of you do to I would imagine…I cannot be alone in that rollercoaster of thinking. Right now I am really contemplating how complicated things can be sometimes. EVERYTHING can be complicated from dinner to TV selections, from FB drama to North Korea (big leap..I know). One thing I over-complicate is relationships.  Specifically, girl-friendships. It is because they are important and powerful to me and I have seen my fair share flounder.  Also, when you cannot ‘always’ be counted on to show up for the ‘thing’ because you might be “ptsd’ing” or dealing with high-level anxiety…it does make one’s friends be a bit on guard I think. I understand this.  I hope this “unsure” season of my life is wrapping up. I hope I can restore the confidence in my relationships without… Read More »

A brutally quiet Love Poem for what is or might be. And for what We Are.

I love you more than suddenly cleaning out your closet when I lose you. I love you so as to hide myself in your clothes and to feel enveloped in the ‘arms” that used to surround me and protect me. Love is bigger than your old sweatshirt but within it I find the world. I am not diminished for this smallness in thinking but am comforted by it. I know you are there, were here, are here. We are.I love so that I refuse to make you a saint but keep you real and human so that I will never forget we love each other even through the ‘even thoughs’.I love you that I would refuse to make you a charity or a work but to keep you secret and only ‘mine’ for awhile yet….The world has had and will have you forever.  I deserve you for a few more moments… Read More »

How do you GLUE a family together anyways?? Fear. Screaming. Chaos. That works for us. :)

We have never traveled “for the holidays”.  We were, typically, a ‘stayput’ kinda family that did all the traditionals. BUT…this year we got a little bit of a giddy spark in late summer.  Wait.  It may have looked more like a vision of a melting snowman with it’s “parts” lying all over the front lawn…..and feeling like ‘we’ might be that snowman (again) by December 31st   Um. Yep. Way different from my initial and wrong description of “giddy spark”. (I swear I try to be honest..what was that about?!) Instead of plowing through December this year, we wanted to sorta leap over it?  Does that make sense?  A lot has happened in my extended family this year and past that made December feel … a “RUN!”.  So. We Ran.  To Mexico.  To celebrate the end of the known world!  (who knew?! The Mayans were wrong! But it was certainly… Read More »

So what if I did turn away from God? Sometimes He just feels like a brick wall anyways.

As I mentioned in my last post….my writing posts jump from uplifting to questioning on the spin of a dime.Here’s another spin of the dime.I am TIRED of this.Tired of feeling lethargic, guilty, slightly useless, pained, angry, and without spiritual answers.My relationship with God has had peaks and valleys lately. The peaks seem to last longer as I am seeing such little results from my utterances of prayers.  Utterances in that – no- I am not on my knees, not on the floor spread eagle crying out for answers, But small, pleading prayers for help.Along with these whispered prayers are thanksgivings of course. This could be SO MUCH WORSE. It could be terminal.This mental health battle that has me tanked lately (it has taken a few steps backwards lately it feels like…or maybe more than a few honestly) could be saddled upon one of my kids. THAT would be terrifically… Read More »

Celebrating Kids…It is not bragging. There’s a point to it all.

(Eek…many typos and a few left out words I see now…wrote from heart not a ‘Language Arts’ book….will fix them later?..or….it is me we are talking about. A blog post without typos would be inconceivable)Dang! Whave had some fantastic opportunities to “celebrate kids” this past season… Around house from Halloween to the end of January…there is a Cockrum Kid birthday about every 3 to 4 weeks…add in Christmas and…WOW…lots of celebrating and joy over family and friends…and children. All of this “growing up” that is happening around my house has me a bit giddy, a bit depressed, a bit shocked, and a bit exhausted   But…it in my heart … (even if planning the birthday parties at loud kid-oriented crazy places, or accidentally forgetting birthday candles…   or hoping that friends show up to the kid’s party, or emptying our wallets to do all of this make me PTSD-crazy and… Read More »

Well Hello Blog…Happy Christmas…So why is there a ticking time bomb on my chest?

Now, if you have read my blog for any length of time…You know I jump around from topic to topic.  Sorta of in an extreme way. (see above image The last month I have become very self-conscious about that. I started feeling like the “jumping around” indicated some sort of ‘enhanced PTSD’ symptoms and that you all were starting to wonder about me. I have since decided to … well …. ignore that thought process. (Andrea: 1 ;  Insecurity: 0 )My personality, by nature, is a “jumper”.  I talk in circles until I come to a conclusion (I think that is called deductive reasoning … and now I am a nerd too   That my blog posts jump from “Oh I am so happy” to “Oh holy jelly beans the sky is falling”… is simply just “Andrea”.  Yes, PTSD may play a part in that now but I really no longer care…. Read More »

We had a daughter. Then we didn’t. Then we did. Happy Birthday Stori…I wish we knew.

Today I ….want….to….. Throw a chair against a wall.Scream until it hurts.Hit a glass wall with a baseball bat.Throw all the paperwork in the world up into the air and watch it fall back down in unorganized heaps.Peel back the layers of “stupid” in bureaucratic processes by exposing those bureaucrats to the consequences of their own actions.Pound a table until someone hears me.Sweat my anger out until it’s gone.Roll the memories around in my mind until I think they will go away but they don’t.  THAT…. is… what I’d like to have done today.   I did not…except for the last one. Happy 6th Birthday Stori Noelle…Today you are celebrating with your adoptive family in Guatemala. For that I am eternally grateful. Yes grateful…that the daughter we “lost” is with another family.I am GRATEFUL you are NOT in an ORPHANAGE.But, I am CONFUSED as to WHY WE are not your adoptive… Read More »